I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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