I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
