i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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