Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
