i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Congratulations! We have a period
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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