College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
