Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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