there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.