she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
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so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
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Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.