Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
