what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?