I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.