Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
