he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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