mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
