well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
