dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
