Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
