I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
