I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
