so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
