I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
