i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize