I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
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I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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