Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
