Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
