Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
