Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Please don't give away my fajitas
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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