ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
