I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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