I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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