yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
