gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.