How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
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Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.