I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
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end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.