Apparently you make a good broom.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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