Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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