If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
