More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
