so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
