Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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