I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
