I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
