I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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