Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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