My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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