he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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