He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Boobs speak an international language.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
