Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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