To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
