So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
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His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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