My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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