My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's official drugs can't kill me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Randomize
