Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
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Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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