You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
ttyl tear gas
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
