Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
