just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
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well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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