ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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