She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
