God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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