Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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