I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
