I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize