i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I intend to get homeless drunk
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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