Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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